Domestic Oppression. Time to Talk About This Very Real Evil.
(The following is excerpted from a book authored by Pastor Warren G. Lamb, available on Amazon, Kindle, and Audible.)
Domestic oppression isn’t considered an official category of abuse yet, and my hope is to help people see why that needs to change and to change quickly.
It has been reassuring in the last few years to see more and more blogs and books being written by Christian leaders who “get it” and that speak to domestic oppression and abuse within the church.
For over thirty-five years, I have been banging on the doors and windows of the Church in America to understand, talk about, and put an end to the pernicious evil of ravenous wolves wreaking havoc among the sheep.
So I am deeply grateful to hear more and more voices being raised in outcry against the abuse and maltreatment that Christ’s lambs have been subjected to in their own homes—often in the name of Christ Himself!
My goal in writing this book is twofold:
First, there is the goal of providing clearer and more specific language—from a Biblical perspective—about this exceedingly prevalent evil that is so often mishandled by Christian leaders, leading to retraumatizing those they are mandated to rescue.
Second is the goal of giving survivors another helpful tool in identifying and understanding the tyranny and domination they have been subjected to by the one who covenanted on his very life to “love, honor, and cherish” for the rest of his life.
Defining Terms
Since words matter, let’s begin with a working definition of oppression and then flesh things out from there:
It has been reassuring in the last few years to see more and more blogs and books being written by Christian leaders who “get it” and that speak to domestic oppression and abuse within the church.
For over thirty-five years, I have been banging on the doors and windows of the Church in America to understand, talk about, and put an end to the pernicious evil of ravenous wolves wreaking havoc among the sheep.
So I am deeply grateful to hear more and more voices being raised in outcry against the abuse and maltreatment that Christ’s lambs have been subjected to in their own homes—often in the name of Christ Himself!
My goal in writing this book is twofold:
First, there is the goal of providing clearer and more specific language—from a Biblical perspective—about this exceedingly prevalent evil that is so often mishandled by Christian leaders, leading to retraumatizing those they are mandated to rescue.
Second is the goal of giving survivors another helpful tool in identifying and understanding the tyranny and domination they have been subjected to by the one who covenanted on his very life to “love, honor, and cherish” for the rest of his life.
Defining Terms
Since words matter, let’s begin with a working definition of oppression and then flesh things out from there:
Oppression is the systematic* unjust, burdensome, excessive, or cruel exercise of authority or power. Oppression is the subjection of a person or persons to unjust demands, obligations, or controls.
* It is intentional, deliberate, and planned—not accidental or happenstance.
Taking this definition and applying it in the context of the home, we arrive at a viable definition of domestic oppression:
Domestic oppression is an ongoing pattern of intimidating and domineering behavior employed by one family member to control other family members.
We will discuss some of the subcategories of domestic oppression shortly, but it is important to understand the underlying “flavor” of the relational dynamics employed by the domestic oppressor.
Domestic oppressors systematically tyrannize, emotionally coerce, dehumanize, objectify, demean, degrade, manipulate, and bully at least one other person within the family home—usually their spouse—to fuel their idolatry of power and control. It rarely stops there, but is then perpetrated on the entire household.
Domestic oppression is the seedbed, the foundation of every form of abuse, including domestic abuse. Domestic oppression is, itself, a form of abuse, and it underlies and creates the environment where domestic abuse can take place.
What people are often most surprised to discover is that domestic oppression is far more damaging and more enduring in its harmful effects than every other form of abuse.
There are no bruises, no scratches, nothing broken, nothing obvious to the human eye. But the damage to the human soul is incalculable.
Human beings connect with God and each other on a soul level: we are the only part of His creation that does so.
When those connections are fractured and fragmented as the result of oppression and abuse, the heart is wounded—even crushed—and the soul is mangled.
Picture taking a brand-new piece of aluminum foil off the roll. Lay it out and look at it. What do you see? You see your image reflected on the surface.
Now, crumple it up and flatten it back out again. What happened? The image is fragmented and distorted. Now, do it again. And again. And again. And again.
If you keep repeating this process, eventually the foil will tear when you try to flatten it out again.
This is a perfect illustration of what happens to the soul of a person subjected to any form of abuse—including domestic oppression.
Add violence to domestic oppression, and you have fashioned from the victim an individual whose belief is more solid than ever that there is no escape, no hope of relief, no one to hear the cries of their heart and rescue them.
And they believe that this is because it is either too dangerous for them to leave, or that they are responsible for their own abuse and their victimizer is only giving them what they have coming to them.
Think of the violence component of domestic abuse as the “certifying factor”: in the mind of the victim, violence ensures their surrender to the belief that they are powerless, that they are helpless, and that there is no use in resisting. It also intensifies their sense of hopelessness and worthlessness.
It binds the oppression to their soul—”hijacking one’s identity,” as one survivor described it—and convinces them that this is what their life is: this is their destiny, this is what they deserve, this is the best they can hope for, and there-is-no-escape-so-don’t-even-think-about-it.
It is the violence factor that takes the non-physical violence of domestic oppression and makes it domestic violence/domestic abuse. This is the only difference between these two forms of abuse.
Another term that is important to define and understand is “emotional predator.” While this term is getting more widespread use in the world of secular psychology, it is getting almost no “air time” in Christian circles—even though there are dozens of examples in Scripture.
What people are often most surprised to discover is that domestic oppression is far more damaging and more enduring in its harmful effects than every other form of abuse.
There are no bruises, no scratches, nothing broken, nothing obvious to the human eye. But the damage to the human soul is incalculable.
Human beings connect with God and each other on a soul level: we are the only part of His creation that does so.
When those connections are fractured and fragmented as the result of oppression and abuse, the heart is wounded—even crushed—and the soul is mangled.
Picture taking a brand-new piece of aluminum foil off the roll. Lay it out and look at it. What do you see? You see your image reflected on the surface.
Now, crumple it up and flatten it back out again. What happened? The image is fragmented and distorted. Now, do it again. And again. And again. And again.
If you keep repeating this process, eventually the foil will tear when you try to flatten it out again.
This is a perfect illustration of what happens to the soul of a person subjected to any form of abuse—including domestic oppression.
Add violence to domestic oppression, and you have fashioned from the victim an individual whose belief is more solid than ever that there is no escape, no hope of relief, no one to hear the cries of their heart and rescue them.
And they believe that this is because it is either too dangerous for them to leave, or that they are responsible for their own abuse and their victimizer is only giving them what they have coming to them.
Think of the violence component of domestic abuse as the “certifying factor”: in the mind of the victim, violence ensures their surrender to the belief that they are powerless, that they are helpless, and that there is no use in resisting. It also intensifies their sense of hopelessness and worthlessness.
It binds the oppression to their soul—”hijacking one’s identity,” as one survivor described it—and convinces them that this is what their life is: this is their destiny, this is what they deserve, this is the best they can hope for, and there-is-no-escape-so-don’t-even-think-about-it.
It is the violence factor that takes the non-physical violence of domestic oppression and makes it domestic violence/domestic abuse. This is the only difference between these two forms of abuse.
Another term that is important to define and understand is “emotional predator.” While this term is getting more widespread use in the world of secular psychology, it is getting almost no “air time” in Christian circles—even though there are dozens of examples in Scripture.
An emotional predator is an individual—male or female—whose objective is to hijack the personhood of another person. Their goal is the complete break-down of their victim(s) on every level; i.e. mental, emotional, spiritual, personal, social, relational, etc.. “Emotional Vampire” is another term commonly used to provide a picture of what emotional predation is like.
How does one spot an emotional predator? It is much easier than one might think.
Matthew 23:1-39 is perhaps the greatest character study of emotional predators and oppressors in all of Scripture. We will examine this and other passages in the next chapter, “God on Oppression.”
Here is just a glimpse at what we will be unpacking together in that chapter.
In this particular section of Matthew, Jesus is speaking to His disciples and the crowd of people surrounding them that day.
He begins by warning those listening that, since the Scribes and Pharisees occupy legitimate positions of authority in their lives, to “pay attention to what they tell you and do it.” He is speaking about appropriate respect for authority (more on this in a later chapter).
Then He adds this warning: “But do not do what they do, for they do not practice what they teach.”
He goes on to say, “They tie up heavy loads, hard to carry, and put them on men’s shoulders, but they themselves are not willing even to lift a finger to move them. They do all their deeds to be seen by people…They love the place of honor at banquets and the best seats in the synagogues and elaborate greetings in the marketplaces, and to have people call them ‘Rabbi.’”
Before we go on, let’s dissect these verses just a little and see what they tell us about the heart and motivations of oppressors and emotional predators.
Now, think about the people in your life. Does this describe anyone you know, anyone whose attitude and treatment of you (or others) has caused you to question your worth and value?
Chances are, you are in a relationship with an emotional predator. If it is someone you are married to or are the child of, then chances are excellent that you are being subjected to domestic oppression.
Remember: Oppression and abuse are never okay with God!. You are not required to stay in a relationship with an oppressor or an abuser.
Matthew 23:1-39 is perhaps the greatest character study of emotional predators and oppressors in all of Scripture. We will examine this and other passages in the next chapter, “God on Oppression.”
Here is just a glimpse at what we will be unpacking together in that chapter.
In this particular section of Matthew, Jesus is speaking to His disciples and the crowd of people surrounding them that day.
He begins by warning those listening that, since the Scribes and Pharisees occupy legitimate positions of authority in their lives, to “pay attention to what they tell you and do it.” He is speaking about appropriate respect for authority (more on this in a later chapter).
Then He adds this warning: “But do not do what they do, for they do not practice what they teach.”
He goes on to say, “They tie up heavy loads, hard to carry, and put them on men’s shoulders, but they themselves are not willing even to lift a finger to move them. They do all their deeds to be seen by people…They love the place of honor at banquets and the best seats in the synagogues and elaborate greetings in the marketplaces, and to have people call them ‘Rabbi.’”
Before we go on, let’s dissect these verses just a little and see what they tell us about the heart and motivations of oppressors and emotional predators.
- They are hypocrites, telling other people how to live but not living that way themselves.
- They create all kinds of detailed and difficult expectations for others to live up to, piling them one on top of the other, but leave their victims weighted down without any help or hope.
- They lust for the adoration of others (dare we say worship), living for the accolades and praises of those around them, yet knowing in their hearts that they are undeserving of such honors.
- They demand “tribute” from those they consider lower than them, flaunting their supposed superiority and feeling entitled to being honored and bowed before by the underlings.
Now, think about the people in your life. Does this describe anyone you know, anyone whose attitude and treatment of you (or others) has caused you to question your worth and value?
Chances are, you are in a relationship with an emotional predator. If it is someone you are married to or are the child of, then chances are excellent that you are being subjected to domestic oppression.
Remember: Oppression and abuse are never okay with God!. You are not required to stay in a relationship with an oppressor or an abuser.
